


Apple Cider I Don't Mind

by thetragician



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-03 17:30:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetragician/pseuds/thetragician
Summary: Bucky is totally jealous, and somehow ends up getting his relationship advice from Peter Parker, and his first kiss with Steve isn't at all what either of them expected it to be.





	1. the girl and the kiss

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a prompt I got from colormayfade.tumblr.com/generate  
> 'I found a cute girl but you got jealous now you're kissing me in the men's bathroom at the club'  
> I've sort of changed a bit of the context to suit our favourite old lovers.  
> There's a loose definition of being trans male in here, and it's based on my own experience, however I get that it may be distressing for some people to read.
> 
> This is my first fic.....ever. I normally write just for myself, but I figure posting it could be kinda cool.

Steve normally hated going to the fancy parties that Stark held. They were too loud and everyone would try to talk to him and ply him with drinks that didn’t even get him drunk and most of the time they’d all be ignoring Bucky, leaving him to stand next to Steve uncomfortably. 

Tonight though, is a different story, the whole thing is more laid back, much less people and Steve has already met most people so no one is trying to quiz him. The only thing he’s a bit upset about, Bucky isn’t there with him. He wasn’t having a great day, but when he couldn’t quite bring himself to get in the shower before getting dressed, he’d started crying. Steve has made him a hot cocoa and helped him into bed, with his favourite blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and some soft music playing courtesy of Friday. Steve hates to leave him alone, but he had promised Stark he’d show up tonight, he’d skipped out on the last few parties and he didn’t want to annoy him, after he’d been so forgiving and helped make their apartment easy for Bucky to manage with one hand.  
Steve was relaxing against the bar, happily chatting to some nice girl who had found her way next to him, maybe slightly closer than he’d expected but he was feeling comfortable, so he had his arm up on the bar behind her back. He was telling her about the time him and Bucky had almost gotten caught stealing from a fruit stand when they were kids. It really wasn’t that funny, but Steve guesses she might’ve had a few drinks by now because she laughed loudly and pushed his chest. He smirked to himself, thinking how nice it was to just relax and have someone actually want to talk to him rather than investigate him. 

From across the room, Bucky had stepped through the main door, keeping his head down trying to keep his breathing under control and stay relaxed. He didn’t really want to come, but he missed Steve a lot when he was in the apartment alone.  
His eyes roamed the room, looking for Steve, finding him just as the girl he was talking to practically caressed his chest. Bucky frowned to himself, he knew it was completely ridiculous to be jealous, he’d never even told Steve how he felt, but still, he should’ve been the one making that big dumbass laugh. He always knew he’d never had a chance, even now when people were more free to love who they loved, Steve would never feel the same.  
Skulking his way across to where Natasha seemed to be free pouring drinks, he swiped a glass and held it out to her, waiting patiently as she filled it up with some spirit from a big fancy looking bottle. It was probably expensive, but Bucky didn’t particularly care what he was drinking as long as it took the edge out of his ridiculous jealousy. He sunk into an absurdly soft chair behind Natasha, and scowled at Steve from a distance. He looked like he was having just the best time with this girl, and honestly he deserved it, Bucky knew it wasn’t often the guy got to relax, and god knows he used to be more of a flirt than Steve could ever be. Still, that didn’t settle the grouchy feeling, he had honestly been torn up about telling Steve how he really felt for almost a week now. Nothing major had changed, he’d just walked into the kitchen that Tuesday to find Steve in his pyjamas cooking them breakfast, and realised this was where his heart had found its home. He’d almost blurted it out right then, told Steve he was in love with him, but he’d caught himself before he could, managed to sit down and have breakfast without letting on that something was bugging him. Yet here he was, glaring at this girl for some innocent chatting with Steve. 

Steve was starting to wish he hadn’t bought this girl a drink, she seemed to have taken it the wrong way and thought he was interested in her. He wasn’t really interested in anyone right now, his emotions were sending him all kinds of mixed up messages about Bucky, which he’s sure was just him adjusting to having his best buddy back. Still, sometimes when he was in bed he almost wished he could still get sick, so Bucky would come and fluff around him like a mother hen, then eventually skunk into bed with him, pulling him into his arms and stroking his back, trying hard to keep him warm and soothing his aching bones. Yeah, Steve thought to himself as the girl wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tried to lean and kiss his neck, he missed Bucky right now. 

 

\-----

 

He almost jumped out of his skin as he saw just the man he was daydreaming about come striding across the room at them both, face like thunder. 

“Hey Buck! I didn’t think you were coming tonight, I’m glad you did!” Steve tried really hard to hint at his discomfort with the woman now occupied with biting his shoulder, and batting her eyelashes at him. He squirmed and tried to pull back his arm, earning him a frown, which was nothing compared to the look on Buckys face. 

“I’m sorry, I have to leave now, enjoy the rest of your night though! Get home safely!” Pulling his arm free finally, Steve practically leapt away from her, especially since she looked offended and her nails wear almost dangerously long. If she grabbed on with them he might never get free. He breathed a sigh of relief before turning to follow Bucky, who had already turned around. Startling slightly, he felt the brunettes hand close around his wrist, hands surprisingly soft, but firm enough that he could get free without causing a scene. His heart skipped a beat slightly, but he ignored it, he knew his lifelong fantasy of getting to be with Bucky like that wasn’t going to come true. He’d seen how many girls the guy used to take dancing, Steve wasn’t that much of a fool. There was a reason they never stuck around. Nonetheless, his feet found themselves almost trotting after Bucky, only earning a perplexed look from Pepper, who seemed to be the only one who had noticed anything out of the ordinary was happening.  
Soon enough, Bucky was letting go to slam open the door of the bathroom, before reaching out to pull Steve in. 

“Buck, what’s going on, you’re kinda scaring me here pal?” Asked Steve with a nervous chuckle, hand reaching back to rub the back of his neck. Bucky watched him carefully for a second, before reaching up and pulling his arm away from his neck and stepping in closer, crowding Steve up against the sink. Although Steve was loathe to admit, Bucky was still taller than him, only by an inch, but enough for him to have to look up slightly to meet his eyes.  
Soft strands of dark hair fell inbetween their gaze, making Steve’s breath catch in his throat a little. He really loves that Bucky is letting his hair grow out, it frames his face so well and looks outrageously cute when he has in a soft bun. Buckys eyes were searching for something, Steve had seen that look before, but there was something almost loving there this time, this wasn’t a paranoid Bucky, something was happening and Steve wasn’t sure what it was. Before he could say anything else though, Buckys hand found Steve’s hip and guided him so his back was up against the wall, almost pinning him but still being far enough for Steve to be completely baffled.  
“Bucky look, what’s going—“  
Steve was abruptly cut off as the brunettes mouth crashed into his. The blonde froze in shock, not really understand what was happening, his hand still hanging at his sides when his brain was screaming at him to just pull Bucky in as close as he could get. After a second he opened his eyes to find Bucky pulling away looking almost like he was going to throw up. 

“Shit, Stevie, I’m so sorry pal. I don’t know what came over me, in sorry I won’t do that again, I’m going back to the room now. I’ll clear out all my stuff by the morning.”

Steve didn’t really process what he was hearing until he was staring at Buckys back as he walked towards the door. 

“Wait! Don’t go, please. I don’t want you to move out I just- what were you doing?!”

He could see a blush rising on Buckys neck, could tell he was debating whether to stay or leave, hand still hand stretched out to the door. In the quietest voice Steve had ever heard him talk in, he whispered;

“Aw Stevie, I think I love you pal. I mean when I walked in and saw you with that dame I just couldn’t think right, I wanted that to be us. I’m sorry pal, I don’t know what to tell you but I think it’s always been you. You’ve always been here, and I can’t imagine being with anyone else that way.”

Steve was silent, he couldn’t get his brain to work properly, couldn’t think of anything to say, he just stared and stared hearing the words go round and round in his head.


	2. winter and the spider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns some stuff about Peter Parker he didn’t know, and some stuff about himself he should have known.

Buckys heart dropped to his feet, he knew he’d fucked up the best thing he’d ever had. He swung open the door and stormed out, fuming at himself. He kept walking, straight out of the room, and continued up the stairs, almost running to the fire escape to take him onto the roof. He stood on the edge, breathing heavily, trying to bring himself back from the panic attack he was almost having. His hand was shaking violently and he felt a bit sick, so he stepped back, and lowered himself to sit on the floor. He must have been pretty wrapped up in his own head, because he didn’t know anyone else was on the roof until whoever it was sat down right next to him. Jumping and trying to shuffle away, but feeling too weak to do anything except lean. It was that ridiculous kid, Starks boy, Peter maybe? 

“Hi Sergeant Barnes. Lot of people down there huh?” The kid was alright Bucky supposed, way too formal, who even called him sergeant anymore? Bucky shrugged.

“Nah, I just fucked something up. It’s Bucky by the way, forget the sergeant.”

“Oh sure, sorry man. You wanna talk about it? Apparently I’m a good listener but I guess I would know because I don’t listen to myself so...”

Before he could stop himself, Bucky was telling this teenager everything. From how he used to go out with loads of girls because they knew how he was and that he wasn’t going to try anything on when they just wanted to dance and have fun without guys trying to get their way with them, to exactly what he’d just done with Steve in the bathroom. 

“I think I just ruined everything kid, I mean this guy is the reason I’m even trying to live a relatively normal life and I’ve just fucked it all up by letting my stupid ass feelings get all in the way.”

Peter frowned at him, clearly trying to work out what the right thing to say was. 

“Hey Bucky? I can trust you with a secret right? You can totally keep a secret can’t you?”

Nodding, Bucky looked at the kids face, he looked terrified. Hesitantly, he reached out a hand and rested it on the young mans shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Awh jeez Bucky, I just- I wasn’t born like this y’know? I mean you probably don’t, you’re like, crazy old now. But I wasn’t born a dude, when I was born I was a girl and I have to have surgery and injections and all this shit because I know I’m not a girl. I’m a man. I keep it to myself because I don’t really want people to know and think less of me and I know I’d be an even bigger target if the public knew for sure. I tried to kill myself before I told anyone because it was just eating me up inside and I didn’t want my family to hate me. What I’m trying to tell you man, is that being honest with yourself can be the best thing? Sometimes it actually makes your life even better. I mean I have friends and I can talk to people without wanting to puke and it’s just easier.”

Bucky considered this for a minute, trying to work out what any of that meant.

“So... you’re a guy now? But you weren’t before?”

The kid nodded, with an encouraging smile.

“I mean, you look like a guy, and you sound like a guy? How does that work?”

Peters shushed him, he could explain another time he said. 

“But you have to keep this between us man, not even Mr Stark knows, alright?”

Bucky just nodded. He’d certainly stopped panicking about Steve now. At least until Peter looked at him and said;

“So. What are we going to do about you and your old captain down there? We can’t just leave him like this, you gotta make up your mind! Are you going to stick with it and tell him how you’ve always felt?”

Bucky shuddered, remembering the way he’d left him in the bathroom without even saying goodbye. He felt like such a shit. 

“Yeah. I want him to know, it’s not like everybody gets a second life where you can love your best guy.”

Peter smiled bright as the sun, looking like he was holding back a cheer of excitement. 

“I promise I won’t tell anyone Bucky, not unless you tell me I can okay?”

Bucky nodded, rolling to his feet and offering his hand out to help the kid. Straightening his shoulders, he knew this could ruin his whole friendship, but Peter was right, sometimes being honest with yourself is the best option. 

“Uh, thanks by the way. You’re a good kid.”

Peter just shrugged and smiled, holding the door open so Bucky could get through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again!! This one was super short, sorry.


	3. a real kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this is the third chapter? I’m not sure how happy I am with this fic but I’m super grateful that people are leaving kudos!
> 
> The boys finally talk in this!

Steve had finally got his brain back. He was running through what had happened over and over, mentally kicking himself for not having said something, anything, rather than just standing silent like an idiot. He’d learnt all this stuff when he was being rehabilitated into the 21st century, had been told all about lgbtq+ rights and hearing everything felt like a huge wait had been listed up from his shoulders. He just didn’t realise exactly why until now, but now was too late, he’d let Bucky leave thinking he’d fucked up and that Steve hated him. Pushing his way through the people gathered in the room, he tried to spot Bucky amongst them, starting to panic when he wasn’t there.   
Barging past the seats, Natasha grabbed his arm, stopping him. 

“Steve, what’s going on with Bucky?”

“I did something stupid Nat, and I don’t know where he’s gone and I don’t know what to do.”

She purses her lips, looking as though she was about the chastise him, but softened quickly. 

“I’ve found him on the roof before, I think he goes up there to get away when he’s upset. I’ll take you if you want?”

Steve shook his head, knowing this was something he had to do in private. He doubted Bucky was the type to like any sort of public affection. He pushed open the door to the stairs, and almost crashed into exactly the man he was searching for. Stumbling back a bit, he realised they weren’t alone, that kid who always followed Tony around was here. 

“Oh hey Captain Rogers! We were just uhh-“

“It’s okay kid. You go back inside, and thanks again y’know, you’re good.”

“Alright well I guess I’ll see you around then, goodbye captain Rogers!”

The kid smiled, and stepped behind Steve to get back into the main room, leaving the pair alone. Steve looked up at Bucky and smiled slightly, trying to ease the thick tension between them. 

“Hey Buck, do you want to go back to our place? It’s quiet there and to be honest I’m pretty bored of the party.”

The brunette said nothing, just nodded and avoided catching Steve’s eyes with his own. They walked along in silence, Steve could almost hear Buckys brain working to think of something to say, but every time he’d open his mouth, he wouldn’t say a word. It wasn’t a long walk back to their apartment, but it felt like hours, the two of them avoiding each other’s eyes and unable to think of anything to say to the other. Steve opened the door to their apartment, pushing open the door and holding it open for Bucky to go in. Steeling himself, he stepped through behind him, taking a deep breath.

“So I think we should talk. About what happened earlier?”

Bucky sighed heavily and visibly slumped, sitting on the edge of the couch behind him. 

“Look Steve, you don’t need to tell me, I know it was a fucking stupid move, and I know it’s gunna ruin our friendship, but I gotta be honest with myself man, I’ve always been a bit sweet on you, I just never really realised before. I’m sorry, I can move my stuff out in the morning, I just need to sleep right now pal.”

Steve sat on the other end of the couch, not wanting to crowd Bucky. 

“Bucky just listen for a minute please? You haven’t ruined anything at all. I’m glad you’re being honest with yourself. I just don’t understand what happened? I thought you were staying here because you weren’t feeling good? Then all of a sudden you’ve got me in the bathroom trying to kiss me? What happened?”

Buckys face was bright red, Steve couldn’t remember ever seeing him so embarrassed. He mumbled something that Steve couldn’t make out, having to tell him to speak up.

“I missed you, pal! That’s why I came. Then I saw you with that chick and I dunno, I guess I got jealous or something? I never meant to do this I swear, if I was ever going to tell you I’d hoped it would be a bit more romantic than that...”

Steve smiled a little at that. Bucky was always such a sap, he would save up their tiny earnings every year for Valentine’s Day, and make sure him and Steve had girls to take out, with some kind of gift to give them. 

“I just didn’t know you were, y’know, gay? You always went out with so many girls! There was hardly a night in the week that you weren’t out.”

Bucky smirked.

“Awh Stevie, why do you think they all went with me? They all knew I wasn’t interested in getting them in bed, we really did just go out dancing. I guess they liked being able to have fun without worrying about a guy trying to get his way with them, having me around meant no one tried it. I didn’t even kiss most of them except to say goodnight pal.”

“I guess that makes sense. So you got jealous of that girl, huh? Surely you could tell I wasn’t even interested? She was coming on strong when you got there, truth be told I’m kinda glad you got there when you did, else I’d have been stuck there longer.”

Bucky shrugged, pushing his hair back and scratching at his neck. What was he even supposed to say to that? 

“Look, can I just go now Steve? I’m tired and this is making me feel sick so I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“Bucky everyone thinks the last person I was thinking of when I crossed that stupid plane into the ice is Peggy. Which is kinda true, I was looking at her picture and stuff because I wanted to remind myself of how strong she was, how she’d understand why I was doing it. I was thinking about you though. About how I’d let you fall like that, how I’d left you and that you were never coming back. I could hear your voice in my head telling me how much of an idiot I am and how I always make the dumbest decisions to try and be a hero. I actually smiled as I hit the ice, because you were in my head and you weren’t dead. You’re not dead, you’re right here in front of me, you fucking kissed me.”

Bucky just stared at him, hand covering the bottom part of his face shaking like a leaf. Leaning back on the couch, Steve covered his face with his arms, he felt like an ass, why couldn’t he just shut his damn mouth? The couch moved slightly, and he practically jumped out of his skin when he felt something, someone slump against his side, body gently shaking with quiet sobs. After a few minutes, Steve carefully wrapped an arm round the other mans shoulders, hand wrapping around his arm and pulling him in gently. They sat like that until Bucky stopped crying, and Steve felt like his breath was coming a little easier. 

“Hey Buck, c’mon man, you wanted to go to sleep, I’m sorry I’ve kept you up.”

Bucky slowly sat up, studying Steve’s face for a minute before speaking.

“Do you think you’d mind if I kissed you again? I don’t mind if you say no I just want to remember what it felt like in case you never-“

The brunettes mouth snapped shut, tensing slightly as Steve’s hand came up to rest on his cheek, thumb stroking his cheek in the slightest movements. Eyes slipping shut as he took comfort in the warmth of the touch, Bucky sighed softly, he wanted this to be forever. 

Steve watched as Bucky closed his eyes, almost smiling at how soft he was, before leaning forward and kissing him gently, before pulling back to look at him again. A small smile grew on the other mans face, and Steve let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Buckys eyes open and he blushed slightly at Steve’s attention. The two men sat for a minute, relishing each other’s company, after so long apart. Bucky sighed heavily and slumped slightly, smiling a little at Steve. 

“That was lovely. Definitely better than the first one. I’m sorry about that by the way, I shouldn’t have gotten jealous like that and I definitely should’ve spoken to you first but I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted to be that girl so bad.”

Steve chuckled softly and dropped his hands back into his lap.

“I can’t believe you got jealous. You got jealous of some girl I barely knew? You wanted to be that girl? Never knew you were so soft Buck.”

Bucky blushed a dark red and hung his head slightly, hair covering his face. 

“I, uh, don’t really feel like talking anymore Stevie, I’m sorry. Can we talk in the morning? I’m tired and pissed at myself and I just wanna sleep.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. We can talk tomorrow. Get some rest Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> So if you read this, thanks a bunch, it would mean a lot to me if you left kudos or maybe even a comment?  
> Maybe see you next chapter?


End file.
